


This is Home

by dreamdeaddreams



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-02-01
Updated: 2010-02-01
Packaged: 2017-10-06 22:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/58467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamdeaddreams/pseuds/dreamdeaddreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three years after Kyle's overdose, Stan can finally no longer take the guilt and commits suicide. Now a demon, Stan must find a way to be with his beloved angel Kyle, with the only thing standing in their way being the upcoming apocalypse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Because this story was originally posted to DeviantArt, I had a contest to choose and make a few OC characters.

It was that time of week again, Sunday afternoon, the only time I had free. I was always busy, homework, work, friends, Wendy; I was always up to my neck in things I had to take care of. This week was especially heinous, the school season was wearing down and final exams were coming up, I had been studying hard, if I failed any of my exams, it would be my head. But all of that didn't matter right now; it never mattered on Sunday afternoons. Straightening my tie, I stepped out of the old junker I drove, the gravel crackling under my feet. It was so quiet there, silent, dead. Chuckling to myself I stepped onto the meticulously groomed grass and counted seven in. I really didn't need to do that, I knew where it was very well, after all, I'd been going there every Sunday afternoon for two years. I smiled slightly, a sad lonely smile that often crept onto my face, and sat down next to him.  
"Hey," I said resting my head on the marble "How's life treating you?"  
I wish he could speak back, but he couldn't.  
"Final exams, god I wish you were here, I could use your help. You were always smarter than me, Kyle. You could have done something great, you know that? Yeah, I know, I say that every time I'm here, I can't help it. Wendy's been on my case a lot lately, mostly about you. She's barely ever sees me anymore, and she's ticked when I don't hang with her on Sundays. Yeah, I don't get it either, I mean, I thought she'd understand, she was there, she went through it too, but I guess she wasn't your best friend, now was she?" I was grinning like a mad man, tears running down my face "Damnit man, I fucking miss you."

Three years ago, four months, six days, and three hours ago from this day, something began to happen to my best friend. He'd always been frail and sickly, mostly because of his diabetes, he didn't take very good care of it, he often forgot to take his insulin and he'd forget to test and he wouldn't check to see if anything he ate had extreme amounts of sugar in it or anything. I guess I should have seen it coming, his lack of care for his own body, his destructive behavior, he had bad kidneys, always had. The one Cartman gave him was almost as bad as the one he got rid off. I told him to lay off the drugs, I told him to watch his diabetes, I told him time and time again, but then, three years, four months, six days, and three hours ago, I gave up trying to tell him what to do and just let him do what he wanted to. I should have known what would happen, I was the last string holding him up since his parents divorce, and with that last string clipped, he fell. Two months later he ended up in the hospital from alcohol poisoning, I was the one who brought him home, tended to him for a while, until he blew up in my face again, than I left, again. But not much of this matters, he bounced in and out of rehab, the hospital, into my arms, back out of them again. I repeatedly took him in, than shut him out. I still feel as if it was my fault that he's dead, and all the memories of him and me play in my head like some sort of sick torture that I cannot escape from, the day he called in a drug induced stupor, crying and screaming that something was wrong with him. I told him to sleep it off, I wish I hadn't.   
Kyle Broflowski was found the next day, face down in a pool of blood and vomit, dead. His excessive drug use had shut down his liver, which in turn poisoned the rest of his body.   
I couldn't cry at his funeral, something in my wouldn't let me, something in me told me that he wasn't dead, that he'd never be dead, to me at least.

"Stan?" she lightly touched my shoulder and I looked up, my eyes were blurred by the tears I didn't cry at his funeral. "are you all right?"  
"I guess," I lied turning away from her. She was a pretty girl, there was no doubt about it, she had big doe eyes with long dark lashes, pretty black hair that was always maliciously groomed, she always wore the best clothes, but with all of that, I didn't love her. My heart was barren and cold, always to be stoic, all the love in my body died with my best friend.  
"Come on, you were supposed to be home an hour ago."  
I look down at my wrist watch, she was right, three hours had flown by like nothing, but I didn't want to leave. Leaving was always the hardest part.  
"I guess I have to go," I said softly patting the grave stone "till next week, I guess, unless I see you before then. Bye Kyle."

 

"Is there something wrong, something you should tell me about?" Wendy said on the drive home, I turned half away fumbling with the CD changer, turning on The Used than turning it to I Am Ghost, than off, then to Kyle's mixed CD that he'd left in my car, a few days before he died. My fingers lingered on the dials as the mixture of hip hop and rock entered my ears. I'd always hated the hybrid music, the synthetic droning and the degrading lyrics, but it was his music and I couldn't turn it off.  
"Stan, please, just talk to me."  
She was almost crying, but I couldn't open my mouth, it felt as if it was sewn shut, and even if I could open my mouth, I couldn't tell her, there wasn't anything to tell, she knew almost everything, and if I said nothing, she would turn it into her fault, that she didn't do this, or didn't do that. Girls were such a pain sometimes. I just continued to flip through the songs till we got to my house, I got out, said nothing to Wendy, just nodded and waved her good bye, walked inside, and went straight to my room


	2. Mirrors and Cameras

Have you ever heard a song that will basically sum up your entire life experience in a few lines? I barely find them, but when I do, I listen them on repeat for hours without end. Right now, Mirrors and Cameras by The Black Maria is blaring on my stereo, and I feel guilty and lonely and a shell, a shell of someone I use to be and that I'm not anymore. The happy boy that use to smile so much, that use to be so happy. I guess I'm depressed, guiltier more than anything to be exact. It's been over two years, and god only knows I can't forgive myself. I'm shivering, though it's not cold, clinging to the flesh on my body, the flesh that can't be mine. It's cold, but I'm not cold, I'm hollow, this skin is just like fabric, yet I can't feel it, I can't feel the fingernails in my skin, but I know that they're there. Sick old memories play over and over again in my head.  
_"Stan, STAN! Something…something is wrong!"   
"Dude, are you high? It's two thirty in the morning."  
"No…yes, yes I am, but that's not the point, the point is somethings wrong!"  
"Yeah, you're high, go to bed Kyle."  
"No, Stan, no, something's really wrong, I feel wrong."  
"You just need to sober up, go to bed Kyle, I'll talk to you in the morning."  
"Stan, no, Stan, NO! Stan!"  
"I am hanging up now Kyle, go to sleep."  
"Stan, I lo-"_  
"I wish I knew what he said." I muttered to myself "he lo's me? Loaths? Loans? Lactates? No, no that's just dumb. Maybe he loves me? Loves. Brotherly love? Must be."  
But I knew it was more than that, I knew what he meant, and I should have said something. It was why I couldn't love Wendy; it was why I could never love anyone else ever again. I don't see why we didn't explore this so much sooner, I didn't see at the time, probably. I had been totally gay for Kyle since the beginning, but when we were fourteen, we really began to explore. Following strange feelings that we had in the pits of our stomachs, feelings that led us to do things, ah! Another dingy memory that I wish I could just erase.  
_"But how do you.."  
"I don't know, how am I supposed to know."  
"At least you've been with Wendy." He smiled that cute little smile that made my heart melt.  
"Pull your pants off, now," I barked, but than caught myself "please."  
"Fuck, you're eager."  
"Yeah well, I haven't seen any action in ages dude."  
"Or should you say at all?"  
"Shut the fuck up dude." I pulled my pants down and began to blush furiously, he had been right, I'd never seen any at all, till this day._

I smiled, laughed insanely, right on these sheets, parents downstairs, they didn't know, they couldn't understand the feelings I felt for Kyle. All they knew is that I was his best friend, that's all they would ever know. That had been a glorious day anyways, taught us to use lubricant or we would be walking like "G's" for day's afterward. Still smiling, I rolled over and grabbed my pillow, hugging it close to my shivering body, I laughed into it, muffling my mixture of crying and laughing, the pain I felt in my tightening chest and sinking stomach finally taking its toll on my mind. My fault, my fault, always always my fault, stupid little naïve Stan, you're sick. Sick, sick little boy.  
Sitting up, I looked in the mirrior, the person looking back looked like shit. Gaunt, puffy red guilt filled eyes, crooked teeth and smile, or lack there of. That person was a shell, a shell filled with a ghost.  
"What the fuck are you looking at?" I yelled at him  
"You." He said smirking  
"Why, what the hell do you want?"  
"You."  
"Go away."  
"I can't."  
"Why, just go away, I don't want to see you!"  
"Because I am you, Stanly,"  
"No, you can't," I gripped my alarm clock firmly in my left hand  
"Ah, but I am, and I will always be, till you die of old old age,"  
"Fuck that!"  
I whipped it like a baseball, it slid from my fingers, it shattered the mirror, shrapnel flung everywhere, Hiroshima. It was too far from my bed though, much to far, so I crawled off, shuddering and mumbling to myself.  
"fuck you, fuck that, fuck you, fuck that, I don't care, go away, fuck you, fuck that."  
I said it over and over, looking over every single shard of mirror that spread itself across my room. Picking up the largest and sharpest, I smiled.  
_"I reach for razor blades  
I wanna cut myself,  
I don't know what I say"_

"tisk tisk,"   
It was the man in the mirrior again  
"What?  
"Tisk tisk, little emo Stan, living up to the expectations of what everyone else expects of him. You don't have to do this, you can just live on, go find someone else."  
"There is no one like Kyle, you can't understand, you never can."  
_Stan, don't!_  
"Stop trying to emulate him!" I screamed plunging in deep into my forearm, it stung so much, so much for than I thought. I hurt like fuck, so much, but it was too late to turn back, blood was bubbling from my arm running down, dripping like a faucet. Pulling back with a strange strength, the flesh tore, it made a strange noise, like nothing I could emulate, blood bubble, pooled and poured from my forearm, but that wasn't enough, it was just one side, one ventrical down, so I tore it from the vein and plunged it deep into the other arm. My left arm was so weak, as I pulled back, the wound in my left arm opened more, it poured onto my clothes, soaking them slightly. When it was all said and done, I pulled myself up onto my bed and laid back. Closing my eyes, I sighed, the room was spinning, but I could care less. I was tired, I just wanted to sleep, my shivering turned into slight convulsions, but I turned and blind eye to it and fell asleep.

There was screaming, screaming my name, I was weak and laughing.   
"Stan! Stan!" She screamed shaking me, I closed my eyes and rolled my head over  
"Ma'am please don't do that." One of the men in white said  
"Stan! Why? What did I do?" she was sobbing, I felt bad, Wendy did nothing, she wasn't the cause of this. Oh my god, my head was pounding, it hurt so bad, my entire body felt drained of all energy, my mind wavered in and out, but I needed to tell her, I knew it was almost time, a time I couldn't wait for.  
"N-nothing." I choked out, my mouth dry, it felt like it was stuffed with cotton  
"Then why? Why would you do this?" She was in hysterics, sobbing clutching my hand, or at least I think she was, my flesh was still so numb.  
"F-for Kyle,"  
It was dark again.

 

Fuck, there was a light, a bright bright light. And people, there were a lot of people, all in white, masks, muttering things. I couldn't tell, they sounded so far away. Thread and needles, strange liquids were being poured into my body, I just wanted to force them out, I didn't want this. Why couldn't people just let me be? When I say I want to be alone, I want to be alone, but no one ever listens, they figure they must be around me at all times. Stupid, stupid fuckers, dumb animals that could never hope to understand, I laughed weakly.

_"We're losing him, we're losing him!" _  
They were running around now, frantic, so fast than…nothing. Everything stopped.

_"Stan?"_  
I blinked a few times, just to make sure my mind wasn't playing a trick on me. There he was, glowing so brightly my eyes could barely stand it. Exactly the way I left him, the way he left me, my messy red head angel.  
"K-Kyle?" I choked out  
He reached his hand out to me, smiling, his eyes tearing up, I reached out to the shining hand, but when he took it, the shell fell away. I was free. The lights, they were so much dimmer than before, they were dark compared to Kyle's angelic form.  
"Kyle, Kyle," I cried over and over, clutching him, burying my head into his chest.  
"It's all right Stan," there was distain in his voice. Did he not forgive me?  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I couldn't stop the crystal tears that fell away  
"Stop crying, it's all right now, but look, look what you've become, Stan," he physically turned my head and I looked down at the shell.  
Ghastly pale, faded blue eyes staring out into space, clothes covered in dry blood, the shell was stick thin, weak looking, but all it was, was a shell that contained me.  
"It's over now." I moaned, clutching him. As in life, he was a good head taller than I, willowy all muscle, a soft touch, messy red hair, brilliant green eyes and a warm smile that always melted my heart.  
"Do you know what you have done Stan?" he said pushing me away, his voice choked with tears  
"Yes, I did it for you, to be with you." I sobbed  
"No, you did it for yourself, and now," his voice cracked and faded away  
"Now what? Now what Kyle?" I yelled shaking him, he just hung his head  
"You go to hell,"  
The room began to shake, yet none of the doctors seemed to notice. My grip on Kyle tightened, a rift began to form in the floor, screaming filled the room, torturous screaming  
"What?" I screamed  
"Good-bye Stan," he muttered as what seemed to be a thousand hands reached from the firey rift and grabbed my ankles, but I refused to let go  
"I won't go, I don't want to be without you again, no, no!" I was screaming at the top of my lungs  
"I'm sorry Stan, but it has to be this way, I can't do anything about it, you sealed your fate."  
"No, Kyle, no!"  
Their grip was too strong, too powerful, my fingers were slipping from the fabric of his shirt  
"Stan, I'll always love you." With that his kissed my forehead, my fingers slipped, I plummeted downward, the hands burning my flesh. I reached out ward one last time to my love.  
"KYLE!" I screamed, but the rift closed, and I fell deeper and deeper into the bowels of hell.

 

I couldn't tell day from night here, but I knew I'd been out for a good while, my head pounded and my body ached. Propping myself up, I took a good look around. It was dark there, even with the rivers of fire flowing all around, it was like a dank cave filled with screaming people. I couldn't describe it even if I wanted to, so I just fell backwards and decided to sleep again.  
"Stan Marsh?" I bolted up and was looking up at someone I had not seen in a long, long time.  
"Oh, hi Satan,"  
"I didn't expect to see you down here, what did you do?"  
"Committed suicide," I shrugged  
"Wow, never expected a kid like you to take your life, but I expect you haven't been the same since Kyle died, have you?"  
"How did you know Kyle died?"  
"Well, he was supposed to come down here, but his kidneys and liver gave out before he could die of the overdose he was scheduled to have a week later."  
He said all of this so nonchalantly, I almost exploded in anger, talking about him that way. But the anger at him, quickly changed as I remembered how Kyle had slipped through my fingers again  
"You know, I'm not supposed to be very gracious, and I'm supposed to be sentencing you to…" he pulled out a clip board and a pair of glasses and skimmed down the list "either commit your suicide every day or watch a replica of Kyle with another lover for the rest of eternity, but you know what? You really helped me Stan, you and your friends, and I am a gracious Devil."  
I cocked my head to the side, unsure of what he was implying  
"Are you going to send me to heaven to be with Kyle?"  
He laughed a deep, hearty laugh.   
"Good God no, I can't do that, the only person that can lift you from Hell is God, and he doesn't take kindly to someone who has rejected one of his greatest gifts."  
"So what are you going to do?"  
"Well, I'm going to let you go back to earth as a devil."  
"A devil?" I said a bit confused  
"Yes, just as there are guardian angels, there are guardian devils, have you never watched any of those cartoons when you were younger, where there was always and angel and a devil?"  
"Yeah, but I thought that was just in cartoons."  
"It sort of is, anyways, once you reach a certain age, you are given either a guardian angel or a guardian devil, depending on how you lived your life. Normally, devils are these little creatures," he motioned to the little dark dust balls that were fluttering around "but I owe you a big one. But it's all up to you."  
"What does that have to do with anything? I still can't see Kyle." I hung my head, no matter what I chose I would still be spending an eternity without Kyle, and that was hell enough  
"Maybe, but at least you'll be able to see your other friends and family, and that should at least count for something, shouldn't it?"  
Looking up at the big, red, muscular Demon that stood before me a strange sick smile on his face, I guess I didn't really have much of a choice; it was either torture or watching over some retarded kid till he died. At least I'd get to see my family,  
"So what do you say Stan?"  
"Sure, why not, sounds like fun."  
"All right then, this might hurt a bit." He cracked his knuckles and I squeezed my eyes shut. There was a crack of thunder and my body snapped into a ridged stick. Mouth and eye lids snapped open and I began to scream, it felt like fire was erupting from every pore in my skin, deep from my stomach. My body began to convulse and I fell to the floor, blood was running from my eyes and mouth. It felt as all my teeth were coming in at once and as if there were a million knives being pushed into my eyes and back. I vomited violently, clutching my stomach body trembling. All the bones in my body began to snap and morph, they grew and healed, my fingernails shot from my skin and grew, my shoulder blades tore through my skin along with three of my rib bones on each side, the blood was red hot as it poured from my pale skin. The pain was like nothing I'd ever felt before, but as soon as it started, it ended, leaving me curled up on the floor in a ball, eyes squeezed shut, whimpering, the sick metallic smell of blood everywhere. It stung my nostrils; the screams were magnified piercing my ear drums, I was still in minor pain.  
"Well, that we productive, Stan, open your eyes,"  
My eye lids shot open on command without my willing, everything was clearer and had a strange dark aura around it.  
"You can no longer be called Stan, you hear me?"  
I nodded, my mouth too heavy to move  
"You are now Loki, the trickster. Stand Loki."  
Just as with my eye lids, I stood up without even telling my body too. I was taller, willowier; my hair was a bit longer.  
"Go to Earth, my Son will help you from there, you hear me Loki?"  
"Yes, my Lord."  
It was strange, my voice was darker, more hisser as if a snake was trapped in my throat, answering all my questions.  
"Now, he will be the only one to see you, maybe the one you guard, but you will be able to see others like you, other guardians. Maybe even people you know, eventually you will figure out how to do that, but it will be a long time before you can figure out how to take the form of a human, but now go, I've kept you here for too long. Keep in mind, time here and time on Earth is quite different, time there passes much more quickly to you. Now go, through those flames." He pointed to a large gateway where people were falling from by the thousands.  
"Thank you Satan," I bowed before my new Dark Lord  
"Think nothing of it, Loki, I owed you a big one. Now go."  
With that, I turned tail, and glided my way to Earth.


	3. Go go power rangers?

Satan was right, Earth was so much different now, while it was spring before, it was now winter, everything was dead and cold, and strangely I enjoyed it. I enjoyed everything about South Park, my senses were filled to the brim with everything around me. I could literally smell the snow, hear it fall, it was a wonderful experience. Uplifting slightly, it was nice, even nicer from my new point of view. I figured that my shin and thigh bones had grown a few inches, making me about six feet one inch or so, approximately the height of Kyle.   
The smile I'd been wearing for the past few moments faded. Kyle, I'd never be able to see him again. Fuck hell, fuck God, Fuck…..fuck…fuck Kyle! No good bastard, if he'd listened to me in the first place he wouldn't be dead, _I_ wouldn't be dead. All his fucking fault.  
The rage building inside of me was like nothing I'd ever felt before, it burned like a fire, crackling blazing. Roaring in rage I grabbed a piece of the play equipment I use to play on when I was younger. It melted away in my hands! It was as if it was just an ice cube, what the hell? I poked the swing set a few more times, nothing happened, there was no melting, no ice cube like anything.  
"Loki?"  
I turned to the sound of Young Master's voice, I hadn't see Damien in years. He'd transferred high schools after was expelled for setting this homophobic bastard on fire for making fun of him and Pip. He was taller, but shorter than my new body, still had the same long black hair, unpleasant demeanor, and love for black clothes. Yet he'd traded in his Metallica t-shirts and leather jackets for a black business suit, I guess if you were to be in the prince of the underworld, you'd want to look dignified.  
"Damien, dude, how are you?" I said with a smile, his jaw literally dropped, pulling down his black sunglasses slightly, he gave me a disbelieving stare.  
"Stan? You're the new demon?"  
"Yeah, but please don't call me Stan, kinda closed that chapter in my life with a mirror." I chuckled slightly, folding my arms and leaning against what was left of the leg of the swing set.  
"Yes, of course, but seeing as you are you, I won't have to do much explaining about who you will be guarding. You know him quite well." He chuckled slightly, lighting up a cigarette. My stomach sank, if this feeling in my gut was right, I was in for one hell of an eternity.  
"Don't tell me," I moan in protest "The fatass."  
"If you mean Eric Cartman, then you are correct sir." Damien smirked blowing smoke into my face, I fell into a coughing fit and nearly vomited. My new senses were way to keen.  
"Fuck." I growled pinching the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger. A bell sounded off in the distance and his head whipped around.  
"Sounds like school's out, better go find your boy fast." He said motioning with his cigarette.  
"Yeah, well, thanks Damien, I'll see you around?"  
"Of course you will, now go Loki, wreck your havoc upon the souls of those lest fortunate."  
"Of course Master," I bowed slightly, I didn't know why, something in me, another entity that was forcing its way into my soul was causing these things to happen. I about faced and took off running. Thought the high school wasn't that far away, I knew that Cartman would probably be out of there faster than a bullet. He use to always take off without telling anyone where he was going.   
Note to self, thank Satan for making me taller. Running was so much easier with long legs, but I guess being dead and a demon probably helped me out a bit. A run that would have taken me twenty minutes while I was alive only took me five. The people around me were a blur of different colored energies. Purples, blues, whites, greens, all colors of the rainbow where surrounding people. All the colors had minor effects on me, stupid keen senses, but none really had that much effect until I passed a dark purple energy. It was on my left, but I needed to keep running, but my heart, it felt like steel. I fell on all fours, skidding slightly, ripping my too short pants. It felt as if all my organs had been turned to steel, and that all I could do was cry, for no reason.  
"Oh Stan,"  
My ears perked up and my head shot up as fast as it could. It was Wendy, my poor Wendy, she was crying. Her face pale, eyes red and swollen, knees tucked up into her chest, Bebe comforting her. But even Bebe's bright pink energy didn't stand a chance against the large dark purple energy looming over Wendy's shoulders. Her keening was so great.  
"It's all right Wendy, there was nothing you could do." Bebe said holding Wendy tighter as she sobbed into her jacket  
"it's all my fault Bebe, I didn't do something."  
"Shush, everyone knew it was coming Wendy, there could never have been just Stan in the world, it always had to be Kyle and Stan, Stan and Kyle. You knew this when you started to date him, I told you that you were in for one hell of a ride."  
"I know, I didn't care, Bebe," she moaned "I miss Stan."  
There was a slight tug at my heart strings, was it Love? No, it was remorse, guilt for putting Wendy through this. Pulling myself up, I lightly touched her knee, she didn't notice, didn't feel it.   
"Wendy," I said softly "I know you can't hear me, but, none of this was your fault and Bebe's right, move on girlie, just move on. I may have never loved you, but you were a big part of my life. Go find a guy to make you ha-"  
"GET OUT OF MY WAY HIPPIE!"  
I cringed at the sound of his voice, all the torments and trouble rushing back in one feral swoop. Eric Cartman, star defensemen of the South Park High Bulldogs, strutting down the cement walk way, hands tucked into his lettermen jacket, light blue hat pulled over his messy brown hair, stupid smile, he was still a fat ass, but now his fat ass was good for something besides taking up space.  
"Bye Wendy," I said softly, kissing her cheek and running off after Cartman.

"Know what Bebe?" Wendy said sniffling a couple of times before straightening her back up  
"What?"  
"I have a feeling that Stan would want me to move on, he never liked seeing anyone sad."  
"I have that feeling too, come on, I hear that Maurice's is having a sale. Let's go."

 

I trotted behind Cartman, not really sure what to do. No one had taken the time to explain to me what the hell I was suposted to do, just follow him around and make sure he didn't get his fat ass killed? What a waste of an eternity. I guess I could take in the sights. Then again, what sights? It was South Park, nothing changes here except the street lights. Walk, stop, for some reason it just blurred together, I didn't care, I didn't have anything to do, I had an eternity to spend watching Eric be dumb. Speaking of which, where'd the fat ass go?  
I did a few double takes before I realize I'd been standing on the street corner for a long while, because Cartman was walking back, cheeks pink, hair mussed, a large 'I just got laid' smile on his face. In all honesty, I could have gone without seeing that face for another sixteen years. I let him get a few feet in front of me before I actually began to follow him again, I didn't see the point of breathing over his shoulder, it wasn't like I had anything better to do. So I just skidded along the snow covered walkways, missing some of the best part of winter that I could never have again. Seeing my breath, the first initial sting of winter, leaving god damn footprints in the snow, I wonder if I made a snow angel if I would leave a mark, or if I'd just burst into flames. While cool, that would also be all kinds of suck.  
Looking up, I noticed that Cartman had begun to look over his shoulder a lot, he looked paranoid, as if something was coming. Of course something was coming, me, he couldn't hear me, smell me, or see me, but I guess if he really concentrated, like more than his little brain could try, he could sense me.  
"Fuck, what the hell!" he yelled pointing in my general direction, it caused me to literally jump two feet into the air, leaving me hovering, a very useful tool for the future. But it wasn't me that he was pointing to, it was a short, skinny boy in a bright orange hooded sweatshirt-the sleeves torn off, leaving only his black t-shirt to cover his arms-and a pair of jeans, running at full speed at him. There was only one kid who would wear something like that.  
"Kenny damn it!" He yelled as the boy slowed his run and doubled over, clutching his side   
"Y-you forgot your house keys at my house," he said with a large smile, Cartman looked around paranoid, but I wanted a closer at his, so I tried to lower myself, but it didn't quite work. I ended up floating upside down for a while before I wound up right next to Kenny, hovering the right way, but I'd missed the good parts of the conversation and was left with:  
"So, will I see you tomorrow after school?" Kenny said softly, with bright eyes  
"Possibly," Cartman muttered trying to sound distained  
"Oh, come on, there's no one around to hear you, just let the wall down, please?"  
"Fine, I'll be over right after school like always." He was trying to force back a smile.  
What the hell? Kenny and Cartman were friends?  
Pushing my hands through my shaggy hair, I shook my head. It didn't make sense, the only people Cartman talked to during school was teachers, other football players, girls he was trying to hit on, and me, barely, and everything that came out of his fat mouth was insults. As he waved goodbye to Kenny, I took a good look at my other friend. There was oil smudged on his face, probably from his after school job at the garage down at the race tracks, but he was happy. I'd always envied Kenny's happiness, no matter how bad things were, he was happy. For a kid that died so much when he was younger, he led a very happy teenage life. He hadn't died in a long time, at least two or three years, which was a new record for him. But yeah, Kenny and Cartman could only breed trouble and wrong, which I guess I was for now. I looked down and around, guessing I should follow Cartman all the way back to his house, but on the way we passed my old home, my junker in the yard with a 'For Sale' sign in it and there were no lights on. Cocking my head slightly, I decided tomorrow, while Cartman was in school, I'd go see what my family was up to. It'd be nice, I wouldn't be able to talk to them or anything but-GOD DAMN IT! A nice little spur of realization hit me, I had to encourage Cartmans dumb ass ideas. It wasn't as if he wasn't going to hell, he was probably going to be the next Hitler or something and I had to make sure he didn't fuck up.  
"Damn," I hissed, the low rattle snake voice I wasn't use to yet "Damn, damn, shit, shit, fuck." I guess it was good that my Mom could hear me, because she'd probably knuckle me across the mouth like she use to when she caught me swearing when I was younger. Rolling my head to the side, I noticed I'd lost Cartman again, big woop, at least I knew where he was this time. Fuck going with him, I was going to sleep in my own bed. As I truged up to the front door, I stared at it for a while, could I open it? Better not try it, could draw unwanted attention….to what, then again. But, on the other hand, I'd discovered recently that I could float, so I guess I could try that.  
"Ok, go!" I jumped up, but nothing, I just landed on the hard cement of my front step. Perplexed I leapt again, yet still nothing, once more, again, again, one more time, I got it this time, once more, come on! Falling to my knees I reached out towards the dark sky and screamed "GO GO POWER RANGERS?"  
Still nothing, but not a big surprise for me because I'd just yelled the first thing to pop into my mind.  
"On, fuck this," I moaned gripping onto the gutter and climbing up like I use to when I was sneaking back into my room after a long night of taking care of….um…of….that one kid. Carl? Whatever the hell is name was.  
The gutter was easier to climb, probably because I didn't have much resistance, dead and all. I didn't even have to open a window; it'd been left open, so I stuck my head inside, looked around and sighed with relief, than shook the rush off, realizing that if anyone had actually been in there, they wouldn't have noticed me, I guess habit over rules newly acquired sense every time.   
My room was different, cold and abandoned feeling. It was exactly the way I'd left it, dirty clothes on the floor, small flecks of mirror ignored by the clean up committee, clothes I'd worn the week before, folded and sat on my bed. It was sick in there, the whole place smelt of my mental insecurities, the feeling of death clung to me, and even though everything inside me told me to leave, I couldn't, I was comfortable and at home in this place, even if I wasn't even technically there.  
I slowly paced around the room, feeling a bit tugged around. Running my finger through the dust that settled on my desk, I realized that I could leave a trail. Snow must have been too dense for me to leave an imprint on. After writing my names a few times, I realized that I was thoroughly exhausted, but not tired, so I decided to just lay down. As I lay down in my bed, I let out a large moan. My entire body ached, and I felt as though I was hit by several large semis. There must have been either a painful energy near by, or this demon shit was harder than I thought. Tossing and turning for a good part of the next six hours, I couldn't sleep. Something was pulling at the back of my mind, something strange. Why couldn't I remember that one boy's name, the one I helped a lot, I could barely remember his face, or anything about him?  
Shaking my head, I decided that maybe I should just go to Cartman's house, see if he was awake or anything, maybe I could talk to him, but most likely not, super probably not. I forced myself out of the bed and headed for the window, looking back only momentarily to see that everything was back to the way it was when I arrived, minus the fact that my name was still written on my desk, like anyone would notice. Gripping on tightly to the gutter, I slid down, no friction or anything.  
Dawn was just peeking over the mountain blotted horizon, all I could do was weakly stare at it, blinking, feeling the bags forming under my eyes as I trudged my way to Cartman's house, shoulders slumped feet shuffling. No one was out yet, it was so damn quiet, the whole town felt as dead as I was. Being dead sucked, I was so lonely. I couldn't talk to anyone, I couldn't reach out, touch anyone, nothing, I was a nothing, a figment of an imagination that let me exist on my own terms, I think. How did I even know I existed, in all honesty, maybe I was still in my shell, sick, locked away in some asylum muttering to myself, if that was true, I was one lonely fucker.   
"Can I at least imagine myself some god damn friends?" I yelled out to who ever was listening to me, balling my hands into fists, scrunching up my face and gritting my teeth, but there was no answer, no reply, nothing.  
"Fuck," I muttered sitting down on the snow, hugging my shoulders with my new long arms "I'm lonely."


	4. Memory's failing

Months passed like seconds, the daily trudging routine was enough to make me kill myself, if that bastard had at least one kind bone in his fat body, he hid it will. He spewed insults as if there were nothing more than greetings, but the distain I use to have for him was gone. I admired him now, the pure darkness the emanated from his body made me envious, I wanted to be like him, I wanted to be worse than him. The months made me bitter, unaware what actually contact was like, but I'd learned much.  
I'd mastered levitation, manipulation, and the powers my emotions wrought, but I knew there was much more that I had yet to realize. None the less, by far manipulation was the most fun. Something I'd stumbled upon accidentally while trying to figure out how to make human contact, I walked up to Wendy one day and whispered Hello? into her ear, which she immediately said. Now, normally I wouldn't have figured I made her do it, but she just said this in the middle of a conversation to Bebe, and there was no one else around. It wasn't just words I could make them say, if I put it into more of an action statement, they did it.  
At this moment, I was sitting on the edge of Kenny's bed, it was the first time I'd ever followed Cartman to Kenny's house after school, I'd always felt I had better things to do, but now I realize that I actually didn't.  
"Kenny stood," I said loudly, not even looking in Kenny's direction, but there was a creek of springs, meaning that he had, indeed stood "Kenny looked around, a disgusted look on his face, he declared he hated his life."  
"Fucking hell," Kenny moaned "I hate my life."  
I smirked, shoulders hunched as always, grinning madly, pointed teeth protruding, bitter, insane, I could tell the look on my own face, I could even see it clearly in the mirror right across from me, even if no one else could.   
"Loki hates his life," I said cocking my head to the side, still smiling "Loki hates all these stupid brats that takes up his life. Loki hates them all, hates them, hates them."  
"Kenny, are you all right out there?" Cartman yelled from the bathroom  
"Yeah," he moaned in return, my angst was probably emanating loudly, effecting him.

"I'm almost ready, so yeah, hold on."  
"It's all right."  
"I'm fucking sick of this," I growled standing up and pacing about the room, my eyes fixated on the Kenny boy that sat on the bed. Studying him, I shook my head. "Why don't I remember you, Kenny? Why can't I remember anything? Fuck you, both."  
It annoyed me, I could feel it, the nagging in the back of my head telling me I knew these people very well, but I couldn't place my finger on where. It was happening more and more, every day, it was as if my mind was disintegrating on me. I was becoming less human with each passing day. Cradling my head in my hands I looked back into the mirror, loathing the being staring back at me. Red eyes, mouth full of yellowing fangs, my 'horns' – which were nothing more than fragments of my skull protruding from my forehead with blood perpetually running form them- gaunt, almost grey, skin which was thin enough to see my dark veins through, dark shaggy hair, arms and legs too long for my body, I was a fucking mess, or was I? How was I supposed to look? Any different from this? This is who I was, Loki the Trickster Demon, meant to watch over that stupid kid for no reason. Tearing my eyes away from the beast in the mirror, I noticed a picture sitting on his desk. There were four boys, all around his age, arms over shoulders, grinning like mad men after a heist. They all looked vaguely familiar, I recognized Cartman at the very end, looking a little hesitant, his arms around the one in the orange hood, who I assumed to be Kenny, than a boy with dark hair and a brown jacket, he was snuggled up to a boy with bright orange hair, who was smiling and blushing madly, his arm around the dark headed boys shoulders. The last two, the red head and the black haired boy, they seemed the most familiar, thought I'd never met them, I think, but they tugged at my heartstrings, or what was left of them. They seemed in love, happy. Lightly touching the picture, it shocked me, my finger hurt and I almost cried, thought I had no clue why.  
"Kenny, I'm ready," Eric called from the other room, Kenny's face lit up with complete joy, as well as turned bright red. Sighing, I turned around and was nearly knocked clean on my ass, my eyes burning. Eric was standing in the door way of Kenny's bathroom, completely naked, a large guile smirk across his face.  
"Oh lord," I moaned, unable to look away from the horror in the bathroom door way. Kenny, on the other hand, had a smile across his face that was so joyful, his eyes were squinting.  
"Eric," he purred walking over to him, pulling his shirt of.  
"OH JESUS!" I cried out covering my eyes  
"Oh jesus," Cartman moaned, half muffled, probably kissing Kenny. Now I had nothing against gays or any of that jazz, but this just made me feel a little uncomfortable, period. So rather than watch these two and their sausage fest, I decided to bolt, I had much to think about and was about to loose the lunch I never ate. Crawling out the window, I looked back on last time, only to see naked Cartman kissing naked Kenny in a way that caused my stomach to turn, not because it was disgusting, but because for some reason it reminded me that I was alone.

 

I walked for hours, till the light of day gave way to twilight than to the darkness of the night, but I didn't go too far, just around the small mountain town, past businesses that I faintly recognized, people I knew I knew, but didn't, to the woods, stopping at a pond, completely frozen over. Stepping onto the frozen water, it neither cracked or broke, it stayed exactly the same as if it didn't notice me at all, the same with the snow I walked over, I didn't even leave so much as an indentation where I walked. Staring up at the star filled sky, I began to scream at the top of my lungs, face scrunching up with intensity, my clawed hands gripping the sides of my head. The screams was like nothing I'd ever done or heard before, like the cross between a wolfs howl and a the last scream of a murdered man, maybe if you threw in a howler monkey into the mix, you'd get what was emanating from my throat. My head began to spin as my volume increased, my need and want to just slip through the ice and drown filled me up, it almost felt as if I was downing myself. Falling to my knees, I felt a strong presence around me, the reason I felt as if I was drowning. It was over me like a blanket, a bright light, it burned, my scream of loneliness turned to one of complete and utter pain, my flesh singeing.  
"Stop!" I sobbed trying to force the presence off, I couldn't breathe, the presence thickened the air, turned it to stone around me,  
"Stan, Stan, stop it's me."  
"Get off!" I sobbed bloody tears running down my face, the pain excruciating, I almost threw up  
"Stan, stop, it's Kyle. Please, Answer me!"  
"Stop, I'm not Stan! I'm not Stan!" I screamed "I'm Loki! Go away you fucking angel!"  
There was only one way to stop this; Pulling my right arm free, I reeled back, letting out a war cry of pain, letting the stopper on my anger go, my hand burning, so hot.  
Fingernails connected perfectly with the horrendous beasts face, gold blood running down my arm. The angel stood up, screaming, clutching his face and crying, than flew off, screaming something about 'hating Stan'. But I didn't care, it hurt too much to move, my skin still felt as if it was on fire, burning. I attempted to throw up, but all that happened was blood ran out of my mouth and began pool around me as I lay curled up in the fetal position, sobbing because of the pain, knowing the best thing for me to do is sleep, so, I did.


	6. Chapter 6

I peered out from the closet, Cartman and Kenny were going at it like bunnies again, and I felt as thought I was going to vomit. While I wasn't a big fan of watching real life porn, it wasn't the fatass' naked body that made me ill, it was Stan. What he had become really made me feel sick, he was becoming as bad as the Fat ass, his aura was warping, and he was slowly loosing his mind, and quickly loosing his memories. I wonder if he remembers me? He has too, right? I mean, I loved him, he loved me, we loved each other a lot, he couldn't just forget about me. I wanted to follow him so badly, just run after him and hold him in my arms again, I didn't care that he looked grotesque, because deep down I knew he was my Stan, who helped me so many times, but maybe he forgot because he didn't forgive me?  
No, he killed himself for me, he said so, or was it because of me. God said Stan felt guilty that he didn't help me, and Stan was always so quick to take events to heart, he was too sensitive. That means…  
I clutched the sides of my head and collapsed onto the back wall of the closet, sliding down, eyes wide and full of diamond tears. He hadn't killed himself for me like I thought, he did it because he couldn't take the guilt; he didn't love me after all. All this made me feel sick to my stomach, I couldn't take any of this, I missed him so much, I missed his smile, the way he fit into my arms, the way his head rested perfectly on my shoulder, running my fingers through his dark hair, the sweetness of his lips, his touch; I moan and slammed my head against the closet wall, tears running down my cheeks.  
"Kyle?"  
The closet door opened, and I looked up. Kenny was standing over me, a large smile on his face, wearing only a pair of pants.  
"Hey Kenny," I muttered drying my tears quickly so that he wouldn't know I was crying, but I knew it was too late.  
"What's wrong?" he said sitting down next to me  
"Don't you need to, you know?" I motioned to the bedroom  
"Cartman left already, something about History homework. I think he's just going to go home and jack off that sex-a-holic. So what's wrong, I could hear you crying the whole time."  
"It's just…Stan." I muttered softly, looking away  
"Yeah, that kid is pretty fucked up looking,"  
My head whipped around, confusion replacing my look of sorrow  
"You can see him?"  
"I spent some time in hell too, remember?"  
"Oh right, sorry. How did you know it was Stan?"  
"The same way you know he is,"  
"You love him too?"  
"No, I know because of the way he acts, but I know he doesn't remember, his mind is degrading Kyle, it happens when you accept an offer from Satan, you become nothing more than a useless pawn, it's how he cuts you off from the world you use to come from. Sever the ties from God completely." He looked over at me, he blonde hair falling in his bight blue eyes " You miss him a lot, don't you."  
"I miss him more now that he's right there and I can't have him."  
"You know Kyle, you've saved my ass so many times in the past few years, I don't even know what to do to repay you."  
I smiled looking down to the brown carpet, shrugging  
"You don't have to do anything Kenny, it's my job, what I am destined to do for all of eternity."  
"Kyle, go find Stan, please, it's killing me to see you like this." He said slowly "it should always be Kyle and Stan, you two should never be apart, no matter what this fucked up world wants, you should be putting yourself before the world."  
"Kenny, you know I-"  
"I know I know, and I know you know, but that should be worth shit if you can't be with who you love. If Cartman was ever torn from me, I'd kill everyone in my path to get to him, you know that? Even if it means confronting God himself, I love who I love, and when I love, I love with everything thing I got, just like you do. So go find him,"  
"Where would I even start?" I moaned cradling my head in my hands  
"I don't know, just go!" Kenny yelled standing up and pointing out the window. I nodded, stood up, and took off out the window and into the dark night sky.  
I had no clue where I was going to go, even though South Park was so small, Stan was confused and ran like the wind. He was like a lost, rabid dog, he could be anywhere. I circled high above the city but figured that the higher up I was, the more impossible it was for me to tell Stan from the rest of humanity. On foot, it'd be easier to tell, but I couldn't cover ground like he did, fast little bugger.   
"Stan!" I yelled, cupping my hands round my mouth so it'd act like a megaphone. "Stan!" But there was no answer to my cries, no one heard me, no one noticed me. The only reason Kenny could see me was because he'd died so many times, and had even been an angel for a while, he was able to open his mind to the world around him, he could see every demon and every angel that walked the streets of South Park. But I couldn't think of Kenny at a time like this, I had to find Stan before he did something stupid.  
I was running around frantically, yelling his name at the top of my lungs, my mind chuckling at the irony of this whole situation, because it use to be the other way around.  
_"Kyle!" Stan was running around, eyes wide, hair mussed, jacket barely on, making a megaphone with his hands screaming my name over and over, but I'd ducked into an ally and hid behind a few trashcans. I didn't want to be around him, what the hell did he know what was best for me? These, these made me feel great, made me great, and he just wanted me all to himself, he wanted to keep me under his thumb.   
"Kyle!" He was crying now, his voice cracking and wavering "I'm sorry, come back, please, Kyle? Kyle!"  
Part of me wanted to just run up and kiss the fool, but even more of me just wanted to hid behind this trashcan till he left._

As I look back on it now, I was such a dumb ass back then, I'd hurt the one person that had meant the most to me, I pushed him away and hurt him. God damn it, I was blind to everything, I tangled myself into a web of drugs and denial, and I couldn't get out, no matter how much Stan tugged, I buried myself deeper, cut myself off from him. It was until my very last moments of life, as I felt my soul draining from my body, I knew I'd fucked up, and I spent the last four years following around Kenny, seeing Stan in school, watching him cry. When he cried, I tried to wrap him in my arms, but he couldn't feel me, all he felt was the air around him, it was at these time I cried too, I felt horrible about doing this too him, and as the years went by, I literally watched him waste away in front of me, I watched him fall deeper and deeper into depression, I was even there when he killed himself. God the tore my heart out and stomped on it, I felt as if the last of my humanity died with Stan, I was actually the one that got Wendy to go over there, and I prayed and asked God to spare Stan, but all God said was that Stan had taken his own gift away, and that he couldn't do anything. But now I could, I could help him, and I knew just where he was.  
Running as fast as I could my mind was set, I knew where he was. All I could hear was the trees passing, rustling with the wind I generated, leaves uncovered by the snow crackling, it was exhilarating. Just as a smile crossed my lips, I heard a ghastly sound, a lonely painful howl by a beast not from this Earth, I just knew it was Stan, my assumptions were right, he'd wandered out to Starks Pond.  
"Stan!" I yelled as the forest broke into a clearing, where a beast stood in the middle of the pond, head up turned, face twisted, eyes flaring a bright red, the dark aura around him whipping violently. I only paused for a second, not even giving myself time to let the picture sink in, I couldn't let it, I had to get to Stan. The darkness around me closed in, began to suffocate me, yet I still ran, I ran to the eye of the storm, all the while yelling his name. But the dark was strong, it was pushing up against me like two stone walls, crushing me, suffocating me, pouring into my lungs from my mouth and nose, I gasped for breath but still pulled forward.  
"God," I coughed and gasped "help me."  
As I pulled into the eye of the aura storm, I saw that Stan had fallen onto his knees, blood tears running down him face, the lonely scream seeming unending.   
"Oh, Stan," I cried wrapping my arms around him, but instead of stopping, he choked for a moment, than began to scream again, except this was a scream of pain.  
"Stop!" He howled, his voice like nails on a chalk board, but I didn't, why would he want me to stop, I had to bring him around,  
"Stan, Stan, it's me!" I cried, trying to calm him so that I could talk to him  
"Get off!" I howled more, flailing, but I just tightened my grip, his bloody tears staining my face, it hurt, burning slightly, but I didn't care.  
"Stan, stop, it's Kyle!" I panted as he struggled, "please stop."  
He was strong, super strong almost, and hard to hold on to.  
"Stop, I'm not Stan!" He howled in an unearthly voice "I'm not Stan. I'm Loki! Go away you fucking Angel!"  
He pulled his arm away, time seemed to almost slow down. Eyes glowing red, face drenched with blood, he reeled back, and I knew what was going to happen before it even happened. His fiery claw connected with my face, straight across my cheek and over my nose. The pain was intense, like nothing I'd felt in a long time, blood began to pour from my wound. My hands clasped over the golden blood, running all over my hands. I screamed in pain and horror, the beast grinned, my heart tore in two. He didn't remember, and now he hurt me, like physically. I couldn't bear it anymore.  
"I FUCKING HATE YOU STAN MARSH YOU BASTARD!" I cried taking flight, leaving the beast down on the ice to freeze. My heart dropped deep into my feet, and I began to cry. Stan had never hurt me before, I mean, we'd exchanged harsh words once or twice, play fought for fun, but neither of us had intentionally drawn blood before. Pulling my hands away, I found that the bleeding had stopped, but my eyes were still blurred with silver tears as I flew back to Kenny's.  
"Kyle? Kyle what happened?" he yelled in concern as I collapsed on his bedroom floor, heaving and huffing. "Kyle?"  
I looked up and Kenny fell back "Oh jesus," he muttered eyes wide  
"What? The cut, it can't be that bad?" I sobbed, still in a fit of uncontrollable sadness  
"Dude, look in the mirror," he whispered face still in awe  
I pulled myself over to the mirror and began to swear rapidly.  
Instead of three cuts I'd expected, there were three long black lines of singed flesh that send black and purple veins all over my face, even into the whites of my eyes.  
"What the f-fu-fu-aaack!" I collapsed onto the floor  
"I'll go get Jesus!" Kenny yelled running out, but I barely heard him. My stomach was twisting in knots like I'd never felt before, it felt as if a black hole had formed in the pit of my stomach and was sucking in my organs. My vision was blurring, black spots forming everywhere, my bones cracked and twisted, I flailed in pain, spine bending and snapping. Closing my eyes, I screamed till I lost conciousness.


End file.
